D is for dilemma. I really am in an immense dilemma and writing about it is perhaps the only way I can get my head around the problem – you know me when I write, so here goes `my whole heart into it` ; when my wife and I split, in some ways I was relieved, although shattered, 38 years of our lives had simply gone, but I was also yes relieved, because in my heart of hearts I was happy not to have to continue the charade - and no doubt she ! And I was lucky, very lucky, that within a very short time I met you, and you gave to me everything my wife hadn’t given me for years and years, OK it wasn’t a passionate relationship in the `teenager` sense – although to me it probably was, but it was a relationship we both seemed to enjoy, regardless, and the blinding passion didn’t seem to matter.

I got the impression that in your earlier marriage you were worse off than me, I certainly couldn’t have tolerated my `partner` going off with someone else on a regular basis and never in my wildest dreams would I have brought my `dirty washing` home and openly insulted my wife – you had a very bad emotional life and I really wanted to change that, I was even staggered when you told me about your first night of marriage ; you, like me, should have ended our relationships much much earlier than we did, but like me, I suspect, you lived in eternal hope that things would change ! And, so it would seem, your childhood wasn’t much different, so I had been lucky, yes, lucky enough to find someone who really wanted to have a different emotional relationship than she had had all her life – I say emotional, because I believe that a good emotional relationship beats a financial one hands down, you can tackle the world if you want to do things TOGETHER.

When I met you my life did change, you have no idea how dramatically – everyone told me so, none the least of which being my children, I was a different person, I had met someone who cared about me, someone who seemingly wanted to be with me, someone I could look at and say how lucky I am and yes, I was even prepared to change and it was fun changing. So you can see I am now in an immense dilemma, do I cut and run, do I start all over again – I am not certain I could accommodate that.

The worse thing in our relationship has been your lack of emotion which I have put down to your past – how can you be emotional when you have been through what you have, I told myself ! And I don’t mean whether you hold my hand when we are together, which is so nice, whether you put your arm within mine when we go walking, which is delightful, whether you look at me approvingly when I wear the clothes you bought or went with me to buy, equally rewarding, not that type of emotion, but the type of emotion when you look at a sentimental film and end up with a tear in your eye, when you feel the world is against you and you have no where to turn, other than to your special `man`. You always tend to sink back into despair and that is why I loved you so much and wanted to do so much for you because without that special person in your life, life really isn’t worth living. That is what I thought I could give to you, emotional security, being that special someone, everything else would fall into place later – that I know, but somehow I don’t think you do, to be with that special someone and to make them happy would be my dream, the world could pass us by, it would not matter.

Since we have been together I have noticed that many of the people you told me in our early days didn’t invite you `home` have now started to do so, they look on us as an item - even your son, certainly my two do ; for the last two years it has been, Mr and Mrs This ( heaven forbid ) or Mr and Mrs That ( equally heaven forbid ), so it is very hard for me to suddenly find myself `out on a limb` again, or maybe out on a limb again - see what I mean ? There seems to be no real reason for it ! Certainly no reason you have felt able to talk to me about ! Our present difficulties see you reverting to Girlfriend 1 – a single woman no man in their true senses would contemplate being with long term, Girlfriend 2 – a bitter single woman with a husband who, I suspect, revels in the fact that you and your new found man are having difficulties and Girlfriend 3 – a lovely lady who, now marrying her man, will look more and more to befriending other `couples`, an inevitability, but she’ll still go for coffee, although even that might be limited since a pretty lady ( you ) could be a threat to her new life !

Whatever you think at this present moment, I firmly believe that you and I do have an immense amount going for us ; sure, I don’t swim like a `motor boat` round a lagoon, but I do like watching you do so and am very happy to get brown and … look great for you. You say you like dressing up, OK lets do so, you couldn’t have a better place than a cruise to show off – and I would be the proudest man there to know that you are my Lady ! Let us go to exotic places, we can both afford it and who knows we might even meet some people who we really like and can be `new` friends !

My problem is that I have, perhaps, never been really certain of you – I was getting there, threee years is a long time and that for me, `certainty`, is a very real difficulty emotion, if I change to what you want and then we part, do I have to change back again to what I know and am comfortable with ( and no, I don’t mean put on the kilos ! you see, I am even saying Kilos now and not pounds ! ). I loved doing your house with you, I felt I was contributing, but you nearly always try and take over when there, I have to back off because it is not my money, nor my house – and that does cause problems, since there are many things, and I know it is hard for you to accept this, a man is able to do better than a lady – a lady has a particular talent, or more correctly some ladies do and most certainly you do, their appearance and the fact that they are a lady, you and I should use that, we don’t use it enough, nor effectively enough. But that comes when two people know they are `one`.

I really am rambling ; however, I believe I might have a girl who can give me what I have missed for most of my married life – I had a great childhood ; but most important, I believe I can give to my Lady what she has missed for most of her whole life … yes, a dream, maybe, I can only hope. So there we are, that's how I feel today, sad I know but when you believe you have the right ingredients it seems silly to throw everything away ... anyway, probably tomorrow I will feel different ...