G is for Great, here we go again ...
I think it is about time I focused on the `other half`, she either has a truly serious mental problem or is so totally wrapped up in herself and cannot see further than to `the end of her nose` - and a very pretty nose it is ! I am getting more and more annoyed, no not annoyed, more disappointed. Take a few days ago, her friends round for lunch and she told them, while I were there - am always invited, that she had a lovely time in the South of France, the mere fact that her friends didn't know that I was in the South of France with her ... in the whole conversation I was not mentioned ... rather says it all, or does it ? But I did manage to get in that I was there ! Then yesterday, I was doing my usual helping her renovate her home - two days of hard work to that point, still going strong with hanging some doors and glazing them. The ex-, yes ex-, rings up from ... South of France ... simply to ask how she was , they have no other contact whatsoever so it was simply a call `out of the blue`, folr no reason whatsoever. The question from the ex- must have been, " what are you doing ", her reply, " nothing really ... ", she could have said ` David and I are doing the glass doors ... `, but I wasn't mentioned. It was as though I wasn't there, no a word about me, no a comment. To her ex- she was alone .... and oh ! what I should also mention, he ex-, almost certainly, was with a girl friend in the South of France. So why did he call ? Simply he likes to keep everyone he knows on the proverbial `string`, friends and exs alike - he might need them, so what did I say, ` the only way you are going to get shot of him, if you want to, is to constantly tell him you are with me ... doing things `, so why I was not mentioned, again says it all. " What bigger mug you can have
than me ! "

So why am I bothering ... I don't know. I have told her that the only person I will not come between is her and her son, but even that's hard, he is a nice guy, but a total waste of space, he treats his mother like `dirt`, my next door neighbour asks me if he helps her with the new house, well of course he doesn't ! He has too much to do for himself, `Mother` what's that ! He lives in Dads house, free, has an income from his own property that makes my pension look like a `minimum wage`, so why does he need to help Mother - who, incidentally, is in the process of giving her `fortunes` to him - and he knows it, so why does he need to bother ! Jealous ? No not all all ... only when I am relegated to `third place` ... may even be lower in the list ... does make you annoyed, NOT because of the money, since money doesn't make relationships which I constantly tell her, relationships come from the heart ! But because he is simply being more and more spoilt .... and all that that goes with it !

Well by now you can see I am a little down ... probably because my son is finding it hard to live, but delightfully my daughter who had a similar problem, now seems to be getting out of her problems and all could be looking a little `rosy` for her. Why am I down ? In the early years I used to buy my girl - if I dare use that expression - small trinkets of my affection, not small to me though. They were stolen and out of some of the insurance money on our next holiday she bought some replacements, which, to this very day, some eighteeen months later she has never worn ... it would be nice if she had worn them and people said, `who gave that to you`, but obviously the trinkets, nor I, rate ... oh, I am miserable aren't I !

The trouble is, I have other `potential` girl friends who keep pestering me, wanting, I know, to be part of my regular life, but I keep fobbing them off, why ? Because this one I am trying to change, she has had a hard life and I am sorry for her - not the foundation for a relationship, sure, I know ! Will I succeed, I doubt it, she simply doesn't know what emotion is, she cannot shed a tear while watching an emotional film, she has a fixation about her son that is almost unhealthy - fondles him in front of the son's girl friend - how weird is that ? So for me, I may soon have to admit, and no matter how much I `love` her - and believe me she needs me - it is a `no, no` . But what she would do if I departed I really shudder to think ..... ! She has no self-esteem, no confidence and the word laughter I don't think she has yet found ... so what am I doing there ? G, for Goodness only knows.

F is for Finding the answer
I have decided that I am not going to live for the rest of my life, by myself. Mind you, that is easier said that done, but think on it, living in my own house with only shadows to accompany me is one `he--` of an existence. Why do I want anyone, more trouble than it is worth say most, usually, younger oldies - sure, but that is not actually true, it is nice to have a companion, it is nice to talk to someone other than four walls, so the answer must be a friend, companion or someone more, preferably the latter. It is nice to hold someone close, not to have to go to bed with a hot-water bottle, and yes, it is nice for lips to touch and maybe more ! Silly old ----- no, not really, do you get real enjoyment from a book, watching TV, I do not believe it, I don't, you certainly cannot get enjoyment from doing things by yourself - although I do know the very odd few who do !
I neeedd to do more ...........

E if for Ever. What's it all been for ...
I have been thinking a lot about relationship and specifically about my talk with you, I say my talk, since it really was me talking and you listening. I have always wanted to write a book, which would probably be a little longer than this letter ; that has always been my ambition and you do know how much I like the written word. I think I have decided to be in love, well it is nice at my age, but don’t worry it wont disrupt our special `friendship` relationship or whatever you might want to call it, it will be a secret between you and I. I daren’t tell anyone I am in love otherwise they will think at my age I am mad, if you tell friends you are in love, your friends will tell you to run, at least those who are jealous because they don’t have a boyfriend of their own – hang on, that doesn’t sound quite right, boy ! - and at this age `running` away with all the physical problems we have would be somewhat of a difficulty in itself. And if you tell them you think you are in love yourself, they will tell you that you are mad as well ! So there is a problem, or maybe jealous friends !

We both have people we `love` ; me ? I suppose I would say my son and for you, you would distinctly say your son, but both have their own lives and while both will certainly mourn us when we are gone and may occasionally visit us when we are alive, probably neither will keep us safe, happy and amused in our old age.

We both have sisters, both now single, but to think that mine would ever be anything other than my sister, nice as that may be, would be me living in dreamland. And you, well for a whole lifetime she has been jealous of her big sister, that simply wont change in your older years. So we are both stuck with wanting to have companionship, wanting not to be alone, wanting to have someone beside us we can rely on, all our current friends have that, they haven’t suffered the trauma of a broken marriage after a lengthy run ! Yes we have both had very lengthy runs at that event, which tends to be unique, lengthwise, and I suspect will certainly be character forming. And those who are still single have either their close friend they would be reluctant to share, or are sufficiently steeped in their `singleness` that they really don’t want to share themselves with anyone unless it is to their benefit ! And most certainly they would not want to share anyone special in their lives wsith either of us. An interesting picture, so what have we got ?

I have told you, but only between you and I, that I am going to be in love, probably with you - don't quite know what that means but for the moment it is nice thought, so there is no point in you deciding to vacate this lovely Isle, or of course you might and I would then simply be in love with a name and that's no good forold age ; you will lose the only thing you certainly love, the `pick up and drop convenient companionship`, maybe you will be lucky enough to receive an occasional visit, but more maybe if you don't emigrate, if you do go, your final years will be just as dull as you seem to think they are now here. Me ? Well, I could go and live that long way away, wherever that may be, but will I enjoy staying miles from the place I know and the people I know ? Will I stay single and simply accept a `pick up and drop convenient companionship` ? If I stay, can I sustain regular trips to the Pub with the `lads`, will I want to go to the Pub with the lads when I can only go with my zimmer-frame, OK, an extreme I would like to believe would never happen, but even if I stay single do young lads want `old codgers` around them ; hopefully you get my point, so, we are old and we need an `elderly` companion !

Now to you and I, I shall not say much here since it might look like a proposal and that, if it ever comes, might take a while, so it isn’t ; we both like each other, that I think we can safely agree on. You have lost your heart - I don't mean to anyone, just lost it, temporarily I believe and I have lost mine, to you – you must agree that’s at least a little romantic. What I think we both might agree is that, what will make you mad about me is a modicum of untidiness, you might be more emphatic on that front however ; so what would drive me crazy about you, well, BBC24 hours for one, a big TV, you have to sit 100 yards away to see it sensibly and your eternal wish to be `sweet sixteen` whatever your age, admirable, but .... its inside what is important to your `best friend`, or to anyone, not how you package it !

Over the years we have been on this Earth, the world has changed ; do you remember the days when the `environment` was simply either indoors or outdoors ? And the moment the Cold War finished we started to have Global Warming ! And all this silly talk about icebergs melting, if they had melted years ago the Titanic might still be sailing, or may even be an exotic Hotel in Dubai ! We both don’t believe all this so called `environmental` claptrap, saving cardboard in this bin, glass in that bin, tins in another bin, what a `load of rubbish`. You see, we do have something in common, there are things we can agree on. Wouldn’t it be nice to go back to those `good old days` when you actually had trust in your hospital - which we might need sooner than later, not your hospital in a Trust, to the days when they had Super Staff, not Super Bugs. I certainly remember my childhood, and it was during the War - don't ask which War, and by and large it was happy, you probably remember yours … and from what I have learnt about you, you would probably want to forget it. I believe you have that chance, don’t throw it away because you think it might be safer, fate deals some very funny cards as we all know and whether either of us want to accept them or not, we are a couple of superstitious old codgers and sometimes it can be fun ; am buying a black cat next week !

I really am now getting into the swing of this – my draft for my book this can be : Alphabet of Life ? What is it all about ? We have been there and done it, got the T-shirt they now say ; what we want to make certain is that we don’t throw all those T-shirts away, and that we don’t try and start again, trying to search for that `pot of Gold` at the end of the proverbial Irish rainbow. It is hell getting old, you know it, I know it ; and if you are old without a sympathetic face around, it must be purgatory. Just remember, you can still touch your toes and know where they are, me ? I only know where they are because they hurt with arthritic pain. You said that you need a masseur, well until my fingers give up you could have one for free, your only trouble, or maybe mine, is that your hurt is so deep I am never quite certain if it might be easier to massage your back from your front, and if I was just a little bit younger that might be a delight in itself – so much in common !

“ I don’t love you “, what absolute rubbish, I keep telling you that you have been here for so long you still cannot understand the language ! I wont tell anyone about your English, mainly because they love your accent and can excuse almost everything, it can be our other secret.

If I go before you, you mustn’t do what a friend of a friend of mine did. Not wishing to live alone after her `partner` died, she decided to take her own life ; to make certain where her heart was she rang the local hospital who told her it was just under her left breast, so, taking her `partners` shot gun, she pointed it and pulled the trigger … a few hours later she was admitted to A&E with a blown off knee cap ! Now don’t you ever be like that, and I know you wont - you must do things properly. As for me, I’ll take up jogging with … you ? In that way at least I will continue to hear `heavy breathing`, and if my memory holds up I might even remember what heavy breathing was all about ! And when your Yoga teacher asks if you are going to book for the next session, asking you how flexible you are, you should not reply with I cannot do Wednesdays, if so I will know that you too have lost it. I am now going to start to eat toffee, at least it will give my face muscles a good work out !

So what am I trying to say, I don’t know but it was fun writing and may just have a few little truths there somewhere. So, who `loves yer baby` ?

D is for dilemma. I really am in an immense dilemma and writing about it is perhaps the only way I can get my head around the problem – you know me when I write, so here goes `my whole heart into it` ; when my wife and I split, in some ways I was relieved, although shattered, 38 years of our lives had simply gone, but I was also yes relieved, because in my heart of hearts I was happy not to have to continue the charade - and no doubt she ! And I was lucky, very lucky, that within a very short time I met you, and you gave to me everything my wife hadn’t given me for years and years, OK it wasn’t a passionate relationship in the `teenager` sense – although to me it probably was, but it was a relationship we both seemed to enjoy, regardless, and the blinding passion didn’t seem to matter.

I got the impression that in your earlier marriage you were worse off than me, I certainly couldn’t have tolerated my `partner` going off with someone else on a regular basis and never in my wildest dreams would I have brought my `dirty washing` home and openly insulted my wife – you had a very bad emotional life and I really wanted to change that, I was even staggered when you told me about your first night of marriage ; you, like me, should have ended our relationships much much earlier than we did, but like me, I suspect, you lived in eternal hope that things would change ! And, so it would seem, your childhood wasn’t much different, so I had been lucky, yes, lucky enough to find someone who really wanted to have a different emotional relationship than she had had all her life – I say emotional, because I believe that a good emotional relationship beats a financial one hands down, you can tackle the world if you want to do things TOGETHER.

When I met you my life did change, you have no idea how dramatically – everyone told me so, none the least of which being my children, I was a different person, I had met someone who cared about me, someone who seemingly wanted to be with me, someone I could look at and say how lucky I am and yes, I was even prepared to change and it was fun changing. So you can see I am now in an immense dilemma, do I cut and run, do I start all over again – I am not certain I could accommodate that.

The worse thing in our relationship has been your lack of emotion which I have put down to your past – how can you be emotional when you have been through what you have, I told myself ! And I don’t mean whether you hold my hand when we are together, which is so nice, whether you put your arm within mine when we go walking, which is delightful, whether you look at me approvingly when I wear the clothes you bought or went with me to buy, equally rewarding, not that type of emotion, but the type of emotion when you look at a sentimental film and end up with a tear in your eye, when you feel the world is against you and you have no where to turn, other than to your special `man`. You always tend to sink back into despair and that is why I loved you so much and wanted to do so much for you because without that special person in your life, life really isn’t worth living. That is what I thought I could give to you, emotional security, being that special someone, everything else would fall into place later – that I know, but somehow I don’t think you do, to be with that special someone and to make them happy would be my dream, the world could pass us by, it would not matter.

Since we have been together I have noticed that many of the people you told me in our early days didn’t invite you `home` have now started to do so, they look on us as an item - even your son, certainly my two do ; for the last two years it has been, Mr and Mrs This ( heaven forbid ) or Mr and Mrs That ( equally heaven forbid ), so it is very hard for me to suddenly find myself `out on a limb` again, or maybe out on a limb again - see what I mean ? There seems to be no real reason for it ! Certainly no reason you have felt able to talk to me about ! Our present difficulties see you reverting to Girlfriend 1 – a single woman no man in their true senses would contemplate being with long term, Girlfriend 2 – a bitter single woman with a husband who, I suspect, revels in the fact that you and your new found man are having difficulties and Girlfriend 3 – a lovely lady who, now marrying her man, will look more and more to befriending other `couples`, an inevitability, but she’ll still go for coffee, although even that might be limited since a pretty lady ( you ) could be a threat to her new life !

Whatever you think at this present moment, I firmly believe that you and I do have an immense amount going for us ; sure, I don’t swim like a `motor boat` round a lagoon, but I do like watching you do so and am very happy to get brown and … look great for you. You say you like dressing up, OK lets do so, you couldn’t have a better place than a cruise to show off – and I would be the proudest man there to know that you are my Lady ! Let us go to exotic places, we can both afford it and who knows we might even meet some people who we really like and can be `new` friends !

My problem is that I have, perhaps, never been really certain of you – I was getting there, threee years is a long time and that for me, `certainty`, is a very real difficulty emotion, if I change to what you want and then we part, do I have to change back again to what I know and am comfortable with ( and no, I don’t mean put on the kilos ! you see, I am even saying Kilos now and not pounds ! ). I loved doing your house with you, I felt I was contributing, but you nearly always try and take over when there, I have to back off because it is not my money, nor my house – and that does cause problems, since there are many things, and I know it is hard for you to accept this, a man is able to do better than a lady – a lady has a particular talent, or more correctly some ladies do and most certainly you do, their appearance and the fact that they are a lady, you and I should use that, we don’t use it enough, nor effectively enough. But that comes when two people know they are `one`.

I really am rambling ; however, I believe I might have a girl who can give me what I have missed for most of my married life – I had a great childhood ; but most important, I believe I can give to my Lady what she has missed for most of her whole life … yes, a dream, maybe, I can only hope. So there we are, that's how I feel today, sad I know but when you believe you have the right ingredients it seems silly to throw everything away ... anyway, probably tomorrow I will feel different ...

C is for contrary. I am sitting here, a Sunday afternoon, probably one of the only Sunday's we haven't had rain, a beautifully sunny day, ladyless ! Why ? Well I have one, but today she has tried to probably repay me for a weekend a few weeks ago when she decided she didn't want to do something then blamed me for not doing something ! Yes, one of the inexplicable ways of women !
Mind you, she is a bit of a problem girl ; but first of all let me tell you her good points, no, excellent points. She has a great figure, she doesn't wear much make-up, but actually doesn't need it, she is stunning, she is a delightful clothes-horse, by that, of course, I mean she dreesses well for all occasions, petite - got the picture ?
But what she doesn't have is conversation, she can stand, sit or even lay and look pretty, look pretty `dam` pretty, and while on your arm everyone is envious !
Also, she only eats at lunchtime, well if you could call it eating that is, a bowel of soup and a cracker is her perfect lunch and now she doesn't drink, so to take her out for a meal puts one in a difficult position, particularly since I cannot survive on a bowel of soup and a cracker and like my drink ! So to say, "come on, lets go and have lunch", may sound good in words, but anything more, it is just being with her and of course it is essentially eating by yourself ... and as I have said, conversation is not too stimulating at the best of times.
OK, so why isn't conversation stimulating ? Judge for yourself ; she doesn't like sport, he favourite TV Channel is BBC News, so doesn't look at any of the soaps, or any of the comedy sketches, like The Good Life, Last of the Summer Wine, Vicar of Dibley etc. etc., doesn't like watching quiz shows, Strictly Come Dancing, or general variety, she claims, however, she loves News, and politics !
So, I try to introduce humour to her vocabulary and look at Any Questions, Newsnight, What the Papers Say ... this is nearly always politics tinged with a smattering of humour ! But no, she doesn't like these programmes ... and she goes to bed at 10.00 ! And bearing in mind that 10.00 is often early for finishing at a restaurant, with me having a meal and she her bowel of soup, future evening `meals out` seem a no-goer !
I sometimes manage to drag her to a film that we both can accept, which is usually a moving story with a tinge of humour, a Russel Crowe one had me with a tear in my eyes on the final credits, but when the lights went up, there was not even a glimmer of a water stain on her cheek.
By now you are wondering what on earth do I see in her, a difficult one, she has had a hard life and a tough marriage - but anyone who gets married and on her wedding night the husband was crying because he had left Mum - not quite like that, but almost - does rather cool a marriage. At least to start with there should be only one woman if the husbands eye, I say at least to start with since how do you counteract living with a beautiful woman and having to be careful if yuou touch ! It could drive any sane man to women ! And it did ! I firmly believe that she has a heart but simply cannot uncover it, or it has been lost - when, or if - she does I believe she will be a delightful lady, she has a lot of hang-ups but none a good man cannot change, so I believe ... so I am sticking with it. Nearly everyone tells me I am a fool - but then I was probably a fool to be married for almost forty years, to someone who was not socially minded in even a small way ... but that's another story !
It certainly does get a bit much though, when she constantly enquires if she is pretty ( insecure, maybe ? ), do you like my dress ( again ? ), maybe OK if you felt she was doing it for you, but in truth she really is only doing it for herself. There is no doubting that she is stunning, but I am learning the hard way, no matter what the outside looks like, its what inside that counts ion the long term ... but to have both, would be a dream, so for the moment I am continuing to dream !

B is for Beauty ...
That's today's topic ; so what do we mean by beauty, do we mean a lovely sunset, a sun kissed beach, a painting by one of the Masters, a romantic film or, as most of us first think about, a pretty girl, no, more than pretty ... that's beauty.
They all say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, well of course it is, but we all look with different eyes, some look with more than a superficial glance, others look deep into beauty that cannot be seen and is only noticed by actions.
It is very easy to look at a woman and say, she really is beautiful ... but after you get to know her more and more, the visual beauty disappears into insignificant once the character appears.
Just remember, sure it is nice to wake up the next morning and realise the day before you weren't drunk, but that lasts for only so long ! To wake up next morning and see the `painted doll` stripped of all her War Paint, hair all over the place, the lumps around her figure showing more prominently and you still want to go to bed with her the next night ... then that is beauty, or is it ?
I have always said that you should never marry the woman you want to live with for the rest of your life, you should marry the woman you cannot live without, for the rest of your life ! A subtle difference perhaps ... but that is probably real beauty. But remember, she must feel the same way otherwise it just wont work !

A is for ... well, lets start with AID, in fact ChildAID
Click the link opposite and all will be exposed.
If you have ever been to India you will know what helping the untouchables is all about, the forgotten race of India, there are there in their `millions` but no one wants to know !
This Blog might bne a good opportunity to ask you to click Newsletter No 6 button, it concerns Child Aid's latest project - Street Children !
Not just Street Children, but girls left to forage for themselves on the rubbish tips of large cities. A girl in India is a liability, they have to be married off, so when they have no parents, relatives don't want them - if they take them in they have to feed them, cloth them and then marry them off, all of which costs money which most untouchables ( dalits ) don't have.